Discernment is an essential skill for Christians, especially in a world full of competing voices and influences. It's natural to influence those around us, just as others influence us. We all have an impact on the lives of our family, friends, and neighbors. However, there’s a difference between healthy influence and harmful manipulation. While influence is a normal part of relationships, manipulation becomes problematic when it undermines our ability to think for ourselves, distorts our perception of reality, and devalues the individuality of others. Manipulation leads to division and confusion, and as Christians, we are called to be aware of this danger, to guard against it, and to protect the truth in our relationships.
Dr. George K. Simon, in his book In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (2010), highlights common tactics manipulators use, such as lying by omission, diversion, denial, rationalization, and guilt-tripping. These tactics all aim to control others, steer situations in their favor, and diminish personal autonomy. Being aware of these tactics is the first step in protecting yourself from manipulation. Recognizing when someone is trying to control you or when you’re under someone’s influence is key to maintaining your peace and integrity.
It’s important to understand that while manipulation can be subtle, its impact is significant.
A manipulator might constantly push for their own way, disregard boundaries, or refuse to acknowledge when they’re wrong. They may make you feel guilty for not complying, or shaming you for resisting. Sometimes, they may play the victim to gain sympathy and manipulate others into fulfilling their desires. This is what we might call "gaslighting"—a form of manipulation that causes you to doubt your own judgment or reality.
To improve your discernment process, consider these recommendations:
Stay grounded in God’s Word: Scripture helps us distinguish between truth and lies. When we align our decisions with God’s truth, we can confidently navigate influences without being swayed by manipulation.
Surround yourself with people who challenge you: It’s healthy to have relationships where you’re encouraged to grow, but also challenged respectfully. This will help you avoid echo chambers and ensure you’re seeing things from different perspectives.
Set healthy boundaries: If you find yourself in a situation where someone refuses to respect your “no” or constantly pressures you, it’s important to set clear, firm boundaries. Protecting your peace means making space for both solitude and community, knowing when to be alone for reflection and when to engage with others.
Recognize patterns: If you realize you’re being manipulated, don’t blame yourself. Manipulators are skilled at getting others to doubt themselves. Instead, start recognizing patterns—such as consistently excusing someone’s poor behavior or feeling emotionally dependent on them. Building self-confidence and developing a strong internal sense of control will help you break free from unhealthy influences.
The Bible teaches that God wants us to live in truth and freedom, not under control or manipulation. Jesus said in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Living in God’s truth empowers us to make decisions based on His wisdom, not based on the pressure of manipulation. In a world full of voices, we must develop discernment to recognize when we are being influenced or manipulated. God has called us to walk in truth, love, and freedom, and with His guidance, we can break free from manipulation and help others do the same. Let’s hold fast to this calling, using discernment to navigate relationships with wisdom and grace.
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